Archive for March, 2007

*dut.. dut.. dut.. dut dududududududduddudud*

The Following Takes Place Between 9:34:08pm and 9:34:11pm
Washington D.C. — Verizon Center

Jack Bauer: Mr. President, I strongly oppose of this action! I’ve done some crazy torturing in my time, but this is sick!

President Arenas: Jack… it’s come to this, there is no other choice, it must be done, for the good for the country.

Chloe O’Brien: I… I can’t watch…

(Michael Ruffin enters into frame with an almost jovial expression)

ruffin.jpgMichael Ruffin: Hey hey folks! What’s the haps? Yeah, sorry about that dumb move I did. Won’t ever happen again— Umm.. why is the cast of 300 here…?

(awkward silence)

Michael Ruffin: Wwaait a tic, these half naked muscled men aren’t from 300, they’re…

OH NO.

Please, I’m sorry! It was an innocent mistake I swear! You can’t do this to me!

Arenas: Shhh, Mike.. shh. It’s going to be okay… just go to the happy place…

*bionk bomp bionk bomp bionk bomp*

ruffinend.gif

*******************************************************************************
[Uh.. sincere apologies for that disturbing one.. my mind goes to weird places--TheHype]

Previously on Previously Series:

Are You Smarter Than Chris Wilcox – guest starring Chris Wilcox
Entourage – guest starring Michael Redd
The Office – guest starring Yao
24 – guest starring Gilbert Arenas
Jeopardy – (no NBA players were present, but Ken Jennings is high most of the time)

 

davidstern.jpgOh, no no no no. No. That is just a joke. The NBA didn’t really surrender, “ha ha”, of course they were “willing” “participants” in letting the Cavaliers “play” the Magic in exhibition games over at La Chine. “Of course.”

(shh! Comrades, we must not let the impending People’s Liberation Army get to us, the password to the safehouse is: varnish)

What does this all mean? Nothing really, for Sternbot, it’s your annual hypnotizing of the Chinese world to love the NBA; for LeBron and Dwight Howard? They’ll finally have a chance to return their rented copies of Hello Kitty 5: Destruction at Cloud City. All in all, when this thing hits, I’m approximizing that half of kids in attendence will be wearing bananas … so thuged out yo.

So I’m super doper sick with school-like symptoms with a hot fever of 2 essays that need to be done by Monday. The cure is to write 200 words in 3 hours, then goof off for next 9 hours. This recipe is flawless, and delicious.

To commemorate all that NBA/China/Hip Hop-ness (as well as semi-addressing some rather silly and that “stereotyping” non-sense, which, from what I gather around the nets, isn’t too damaging), here is good ol’ Dave Chappelle:

(Don’t worry Comrades, I’ll be posting as I’m likely to procastinate, a lot… in fact I’m doing it right now…)

maverickseightball.jpgEvery Wednesday from now until the playoffs (or eternity, whichever comes first), the Unrelatedness shall embark on a writing quest to look at which teams will look to make a substantial impact in the postseason… and the latest ‘trends’… whatever the hell that is.

Maverick wasn’t just a title for the lame movie starring renowned Jewish historian Mel Gibson, it is also the name of the Dallas squad who are very good at playing the sport where participants bounce a spherical object into a netted goal. (Apologies all around if I somehow associated the Mavs with Gibson… that’s just the way my mind went… I’m not taking it back though!) You see, the Dallas Mavericks aren’t just good, they are like that kid in grade school that KNOWS EVERYTHING: how they get the different colours in the fireworks — they know it; How you can make your own recycled paper — they know how; Why the Titanic is causing environment concerns — Billy Taylor knows why! God, such a prick.

umm… where was I… oh yea, NBA: Look, Dirk & Co. are so well oiled up right now, Ron Jeremy is jealous. The game against PHX notwitstanding (because it was a fantasic game either way), Mavs know how to close out games. You can’t buy mental toughness like that at Chinatown no matter how much Mr. Cheng swears to you his ‘mental toughness dried cow liver’ is worth your $25!

Sunny Delight is a drink I’ve never actually drank in my life. True fact. However, the Phoenix Suns on the other hand, I just can’t get enough of even if they came in liquid form. As solid as they have been this year… and they’re probably solid-er than their previous two transcendent seasons, I hope to Buddha that they make it to the Finals. I’m by no means saying their season and reputation is “lost” or whatever, but just to legitimize their status as contender — not just in the regular season — is something they need in order to play the same way next year.

Hey, I love their style as much as anyone, that is why it means that much more to see them at the biggest stage.

Spur-tas-tic? I dunno about you, but the SanAn-ton-io (probably not spelled that way) Spurs remind me of the original Drunken Master. One look at them, you’re thinking they couldn’t hold water to Uncle Dan over at the YMCA Rec League. But nay my friends, that is how the Drunken Master works… they booze all day, going tipsy on you, letting you think they can’t even stand on their own two feet, then — BAM! — 3rd Form, 2nd Stage Palm Grasp in the jugular punks!

On an entirely unrelatedness note in regards to the Spurs: I really hate their metallic off-jersey. Please destroy those poste haste.

The Beast of the East is something I competely made up. It doesn’t exist. It’s like the Tooth Fairy, Loch Ness and the Moon Landing, all fabrications of a madman. Who is going to represent the East this year with an iron fist?

The Heat probably are the safest/weirdest bet as they somehow made a bet with the devil to rehab Dwyane Wade as fast as possible while maximizing their games. When/should Wade come back as post-season hits, their style of play is a hassle to play with, big or small. Detroit looks to be tuning it up for the final stages and could very well avenge their loss to Miami as well. Cavaliers: screw them, I don’t believe in them, their defense won’t be able to contain the aforementioned other two squadrons of death. Chi-town‘s military base team is getting everyone amped up for their long run, and they very well could do it… but their game is fashioned so tight, I feel as though someone/something’s going to pop (probably one of Skiles’s veins…)

Taking a look at tonight’s matchups… holy shit there’s a lot of games on! Philly at D.C.: help each other out, Oden for Division title…… Indiana at Joisay: battle of hot mediocrity action…… Miami at T-Dot: if the Dinos are capable of winning this one, they will own this year’s title for Resilient Team…… and finally Bucks at Dallas: it will look like that scene at the beginning of Scarface……

If anything else, the video is a good look at how bright 80s sweatshirts were (hello John Salley!). I gotta say though, those trash ‘quotables’ seem a little too PG13, I’ve heard worse/better from 10 year olds at the park … exhibit A: Danny Ainge, the master of words, with:

“Xavier’s also said, ‘I got a little one, I got a little one, I got a little one,’ and I always looked down at him and said, ‘you do got a little one Xavier’”

Ahhhh, penis joke!

And just for the hell of it, here’s a much shorter old skoolez mocking video of Bill Laimbeer courtesy of old school sports video archivist WILLACCESS

This little bit of news confused the hell outta me. I know they (NBA) probably want everything on NBA.com to be fuzzy, cuddly and above all non-illegal. But wtf? Retroactively censoring a goofy tale really makes me want to fork-stab someone, in a bad way (you’re probably asking, “there’s a good way?” ooh, yes.. yeess…)

Anyway, it’s moments like those that make NBA.com and their ‘packaged’ infotainment hard to swallow sometimes.. seriously guys, live a little, show some skin.. it is spring time after all.

(Just in case you didn’t get the comic’s reference: World Series of Dice)

kb2.jpgSo this NCAA thing is still on? Until how long?? Sheesh, just finish already, I wants me some NBA Playoffs.

Well, before we can get to any of that, let’s take a look at one historic body-slam which took place Thursday night. Namely Kobe Bryant destroying whatever dignity the MEM Grizz had left by making them part of a trivia question.

Back to back to back 50+ pointers. DoubleU-Tee-Eff dude.

!Haterade Warning Signs!

It’s an incredible stretch of games for sure, but even though this feat is going to become another one of those “NBA Highlights of the Season/History“, I’m honestly not too hyped up about it. Maybe I’m taking his points explosions for granted these day since he does this around this time of year (like how snow is thawing outside around here); maybe I feel this way because I believe it truly doesn’t matter when the season’s over and his team gets crapped out of the playoffs; or maybe knowing others have done these ginormous accolades, I just don’t feel the speciality of it (I know, this argument, as well as the other two are pretty retarded, but that’s why I had the HaterWarning signs!) — whatever it is, I applaud the insanity of it, but it’s one of those sitting in my chair, doing the little head-nod type of applaud.

Anyways, onto some Nano-Tacks:

–The Interwebs seem to be having a slow week, so I’ll just direct ya to something you probably already read if you’re a frequenter of this blog — Gilbert Arenas’ OPUS. Look no further than that post to see why he’s the blogworld’s BFF.

and

–Some odd hoops mag beef war……though I sense Dime felt dissed because Ryan Jones didn’t mention them by name (ohh nameless burn!)

Have a nice weekend you silly people you ;) !

kevin-durant.jpg

Coming hot off the asses of the recent fines given out from the NBA to Danny Ainge and Michael Jordan is Team Christianity’s GM, Jesus, for speaking publicly about NCAA stud Kevin Durant.

Jesus got fined a whooping $80 000 for reportedly talking to several prominent (dead) NBA agents from his home in Heaven.

“Yo, this is fucking bullshit,” said J-Dawg, “I was merely commenting on his upside! Is it wrong to compliment a player nowadays? The Hell??”

Lucifer could not be reached at press time to respond to Jesus’ possible slight towards his Lair of Darkness.

“Look,” says He who turned water into wine, “MJissey, (oh, only I get to call him that, we’re tight), didn’t do anything wrong either, so I think Stern has some sort of God-complex — yeah, the irony isn’t lost on me.

“I mean, these kids, what will they say when they’re being interviewed by Stuart “Pervert Eyes” Scott when they get drafted? Certainly they need to know I’m approving of their talents so that they can say, ‘First of all, I’d like to thank Jesus…’ So come on, I’m just keeping the system flowin’!”

Though Kevin Durant may or may not be coming to the NBA next year, he sure has influenced tons of money, the latest being Kobe Bryant’s alleged call on behalf of Nike for a shoe deal:

Word is Kobe Bryant has already called Kevin Durant on behalf of Nike and that a shoe deal ranging between $30 million and $50 million simply needs to be presented.

Jesus plans on calling NBA Commissioner David Stern to make arrangements for lowering the fine, claiming he’s a little strapped for cash, something to do with prostitutes’.

As always, The Unrelatedness will be following this story as it develops.

Or something, my Chuck Norris-esque joke attempts are weak.

Here is what AP writer Tim Reynolds is stirring up:

Dwyane Wade sat before a bank of microphones on March 5, saying he would need at least two weeks of rehabilitating his dislocated left shoulder before deciding whether to return to the Miami Heat this season.

It’s been two weeks. Still, no one knows for sure when the NBA finals MVP will be back.

And if a timetable exists, Wade isn’t saying just yet.

Hmmm……

Ugh, when you lose in a single elimination game, that’s when I think the format blows. (If we had won, I’d obviously think it was the greatest invention in the history of anything).

So… here’s some light recap (because really, losing sucks) whilst I fight off the Nova Scotian beer (possibly spiked) on the weekend of St. Paddy’s Day:

— our bus ride was a grand total of 15 hours. FIFTEEN HOURS. I hate people. And roads. And distance/time/space continuum.

— a little bit more on the bus ridez: there were random impromptu “get up and party for no real reason with cheersquad ladies” (could very well be cuz they’re purty)

— Overheard on the bus: “Hey, I’m just a white boy with a big mouf”

— okay game: Our team just never played up to their tempo and style. It sucks because 1) the entire season, in all the games they won (lost just once), they always had a plan B that won the game if plan C didn’t work. Like if exploiting the lowpost didn’t work, rain 3s all day. Or if the 3s aren’t dropping, the entire team got to the line. Today, we couldn’t even get Plan Z to work.

— the two best players, leaders of the team, in their last games as a collegiate player to try to get a national title were understandably down and didn’t want to talk….. imagine what it felt like trying to get them out of the lockerroom and ask them for their.. um.. “thoughts”

— Don’t you just hate it when the other team’s best scorer hit EVER.THING. he threw up and made you look like you were playing grade 3 defense? Yeah, I hate that too.

That pic above probably is the best moment of the team’s effort and expectations for this whole weekend. It was snapped just before the tip as you can tell. Crazy how just 40 minutes can drown out a season’s worth of highs and dreams… sighz and sadface emoticon… *not* looking forward to the 15hours back…

lilhypeandlilgilbert.jpg

Seriously that’s how I’d react. No joke. And yeah, he’s already much better at this doodling than I am… curses! This ad should be around the airwaves for while since I’m pre-scheduling this post (this is all Wednesday-me! Present-me is somehere on the border of Quebec and Nova Scotia) here’s the commercial again.

Simplistic, yet deep. Love it. (but why is Cartoon-Gil a lefty?)





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