Gooden Signed, I Resume My Life Again

Because Drew Gooden is on my mind 24/7, this update is like Ron Artest’s soothing melody to my ears. In that AP wire, there’s a stat that is all kinds of interesting to me:

Gooden blended in nicely into first-year coach Mike Brown’s system last season. In 79 starts, he averaged 10.7 points and 8.4 rebounds in 27.5 minutes. He was the only NBA player to average at least 10 points and 6.5 rebounds in less than 28 minutes per game.

I say it’s interesting because it’s very exclusive and obviously works to show how good he is in 28 minutes of play. I’m not knocking on the NBA statistical grouping here, I’m just wondering how else we can manipulate stat categories so that we can always put a “[some NBA player] is the only player to average [blahblah stat] in 15 minutes of play per game” I’m sure the league’s vault has something like:

  • Donyell Marshall is the only player to average at least 5 comments about his voice sounding like Kermit and 3 rebounds in less than 12 minutes per game
  • Kwame Brown is the only player to average at least 300 nightmares of MJ verbally destroying him and 20 inappropriate “mentoring advice”-type calls from Kobe in 10 consecutive games
  • Keith Van Horn is the only player to average at least negative 5 points in coolness everytime he steps on the court
  • I am the only player to average at least 2 breaking of ankles in a game.. Literally breaking their ankles, they always find a way to land on my feet whenever we go for a rebound! I just feel bad..

Ahh, I’m just looking for something to write about as you can clearly tell I’m reaching waaaay too hard than I should be. It’s pretty slow in the pro hoops world today, why doesn’t David Stern just use his Time Machine already? In any case, something for the bored: PICTURE!

But this time, it’s a CAPTION CHALLENGE!

I’ll go first: “T-Mobile—fits anywhere you want…ANYWHERE… get yours today!”

Now it’s your turn! Unleash thy caption prowess!


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