Ode To Taunts

Got a hearty laugh reading a funny entry about the worst “gangsta” rap labels over at Oh Word (now that’s my kind of domain name!) that basically just tore up on all the “hood” labels and their carcasses:

On the Ruff Ryders:

While the label died a quick death as soon as people figured out that bikes weren’t cool, their influence still permeates to this day: DMX is still dropping records, the Lox still haven’t recovered and Swizz Beats still has a career. For shame.

#2 and #1 are G-Unit (haha, were they EVER really a unit??) and Murder Inc (dis)respectfully. Though really, they’re all losers in the name of hip hop.

In lieu of that, and to awkwardly relate this to the NBA, I bring to you the Semi-Fake-“Hood” Dunk/Shot Celebratory Taunts (I know, I know, it’s a well documented topic of discourse—still givin ya my spin, that’s how I roll):

Carter—“Revin’ it up”:

vincevroom.jpg Now surely someone as athletic as VC should by all means have some sort of signature celebration whenever he wreaks havoc above the rim. However, this is so not cutting it. I mean, I get the significance of the symbolic nature to which one may or may not “rev it up”, but it looks sooooo silly. Not to mention the dangerous social impact Carter is causing: worldwide increase invincevroom1.jpg demand for air motocycle handles.

This is some serious shit.

But the point is, (and I think there is a point..) it’s not authentically “cool”. It feels and looks generic. You almost think that Carter is going for the highlights solely for the sake of the celebratory vroom vroom.

QRich/DMiles—“Hit Your Head Twice With Fists”:

quentin_richardson.jpgWhen they first did this back with the Clips I remember fondly, “what the eff?”. Then, the next day during a HS practice, all my teammates were doing it. What? Did I miss the fun train? Iquentin.jpg clearly didn’t get it nor did I really want to. At least VC could back up his thing with the notion that his team is winning (debatable!!). But when Miles and Q did it, they were still the “bad L.A. team” so I couldn’t help but think: dudes, you haven’t won jack to show for it.

quentinrichardson.jpgI mean, I couldn’t even find a Darius Miles pic for this, even the internet thinks it’s dumb.

And I really think, to this day, the true reason for his separation from Brandy is caused by those excess trauma to the head.. how else can you split from f-ing Brandy??

larryjohnson.jpgLarry Johnson—“Elbow Letter”

Actually, you know what? LJ’s signature is pretty awesome. Especially when he nailed that 3 pointer AND the foul against the Pacers at the Garden during Game 3 of the ECF. No gripes here.

Other atrocities:

Stromile Swift’s “Puppet Theatre” in the shape of a bird. I couldn’t find evidence of this either, but I think y’all know what it is. My problem with it is how complicated it is for one to go about doing this taunt. First you have to dunk, then land, then cross your hands, inverted, at the thumbs. DUDE, that’s too much!

Tim Thomas’ “Can’t See Me Now Thingy”: This one I can take it or leave it. He hit huge shots at crucial moments and well, he CAN ball. Let’s hope he can keep it up.

Sam I Am’s “Alien Balls”: I give it to him, it’s funny.

Mini-UPDATE: Seth and Balding Spalding (sorry to be harsh on the vroom vroom machine, I’ve been envyous of it ever since Top Gun…) bring up a couple I missed, like the FatOne’s Shimmy, and Dirk’s Tongue of Happiness. No doubt there are more missing, feel free to contribute in the comments below!

Anyway, if the celebration is fluid and not dorky I’m all for it. Just don’t pretend like it’s so “street” and fake-cool.

Housekeeping: I did my weekly appearance radioshow to chat hoops today (though t’was a shorter segment as this thing called “football” is soooo important). As soon as I get the file (whenever that is…heh) I shall uploadz that ish. Word.

  1. There’s also Antoine Walker’s shimmy, which seems to have gone into hibernation, and Damon Jones’ little three fingers twinkle by his hip, which is the lamest taunt ever.

  2. Toine probably ate his last shimmy (don’t ask me how…)

  3. hahahah word, how can you leave Brandy!

  4. dude, revving motorcycle is cool. you’re hurting my feelings now.
    yep-I’m a biker nut

    Timmeh Thomas’ three-finger-wave is the best of the lot.

    and hey, you missed out Dirk Diggler’s tongue wag. He’s one guy who can give Gene Simmons a run for his tongue.

    keep the list goin’!

  5. I loved Q-Rich’s BULL HORNS while he was in town. That’s what I always thought they were meant to be. That was much cooler than Tim Thomas’ lame ass hand wave attempt. Most of all though, I liked having Brandy in the stands.

  6. In that same series, one of the Pacers guards hit a three and ran down the court with an “elbow letter” similar to Larry Johnson’s “Big L”. It was hard to tell what he was indicating, but after the game, the player explained it was the “Big J”, for Jesus Christ.

  7. nice pictures you’ve got there

  8. snipedout99

    I like Larry Johnsons little elbow letter thingy.

  9. Man you should have slammed Damon Jones for his putting up 3 fingers for every 3 he makes. On the Heat when he was a starter(amazingly) he use to raise his arm and be all showy about it. But now that he is a bench bum that has a big scoring night every lunar eclipse he just keeps his arms on the side but still brings out the 3 fingers. Someone punch him. Another one you could mention is Antione walker’s shimmy shimmy dance. He use to pull it out a lot more in Boston when he actually played in the post.
    [I moved the comment to this thread, more apropos no?—ed. *always wanted to do this “ed” thing*]

  10. Alec

    whos taunt is when they point out and up with there left hand and bend their other arm and point behind it
    its on this vid at 1:04 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HHfft-CPVV8? i think its awesome

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