Archive for April, 2007

Make sure you listen to the very end

And it turns out Bruce Willis was a ghost. True story!

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manu-ginobili.jpgNo, it’s not me, I swear!

Yeah you! Book ’em Lou!

Man I love Manu’s game. Love his flying-in-all-directions type of style that kind of reminds of Pig Pen when I watch him. Sure he flops all the freaking time, but it’s so hard not to like his movements — I am enthralled by it.

What I don’t like and/or understand is what’s up with the constant “what the? ME??” look whenever he gets called for a foul. Okay, so the refs might call some phantom ones now and again, but come on dude, everyone hacks an opponent, especially during the intense playoffs. You’re pretty good on D, but let’s be real here, you’re no Saint Hubie Brown. And I hear Hubie used to deck mofos on the regular*

*probably not true

Point is, arrêt vos cochonneries, please! That wasn’t a photoshop job, that’s how I see you every freakin game now. Alright? We cool? Okay, back to loving your game…

Today’s Action:

Bulls at Heat– Put the Miami Fans (or whoever that pretends to be a Heat fan) out of their misery please

PHX at LaL– Final score 13893-98, Suns

DinoRaps vs. Nets– Should be a good one, Bosh-a-na-tor shall devour some Bones (Boone–get it?! I’m SOOOO clever) today

Side note: the name “Nets” should really be changed now, I vote for “Backboard” or “Side Foam”

Dallas at WarriorLand: the apocalypse

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With all due respek to the folks of Go Fug Yourself

Kobe, Kobe, Kobe, Kobe. Yes. We all know how you are. We know you very well. In fact, we know you a little too well.

We know that you like score — in more ways than one. We know that you want to be DA MAN. We know that you’re someone that basks in the limelight of having everyone be in awe of your talents.

We know that you probably like the movie Scarface (call it a hunch)… what we didn’t know was that you wanted to be go back to 1980s Miami to be an extra for the film with that getup of yours.

Hats are cool, I mean, everyone likes hats. But that thing that’s above your head… that’s no hat sir. It’s like dried orange peels “pretending” to be a hat/fedora/atrocity. Which I guess explains the mango shirt your wearing. Who the hell wears mango?! I take it you wanted to stick it to the Suns after you poured 45 on so you just had to ridicule their their pretty orange colors huh? “TAKE THAT orange! I’m going with a colorway that’s kinda orange, but off-colored. Bitches!” Don’t even get me started on the shoes…

Your daughter Natalia probably thinks you’re going to a mango factory now. Shame on you.

 

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Ah the majestic BEARD has been robbed a quarter of game action last night. Though, the way I saw things, if the Warriors hadn’t been complaining so much in almost all the action, perhaps the refs wouldn’t have pulled that quick of a trigger? We shall never know.

Then again, some of the calls seemed iffy, but that can’t be changed — with two teams hungry: Mavericks because they just got bitch slapped in Game 1 and need to smack back their pimp hand and Golden State because they are greedy bastards in trying to steal another game.

TONIGHT’S ACTION:

De-3 VS. Orlando Bloom: Dwight will posterize someone tonight — it might even be Flip Saunders.

Rox VS. Mormons: 3-0 man, it’s so happening. Why? Because the tears of Andrei will make the Jazz players slip all over the place. YEAH I SAID IT

Suns VS. ChokeShow: Well, can’t really call them Chokers… since they’ve got no talent to begin with, I guess I’m just referring to the fact that they couldn’t even attempt to make it close — ahhhh who am I kidding, the Lakers plain suck. The Association really wants to punch somebody.

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*If you say that looks like Raja Bell, I will spork your face!*

Anyhow, last night’s Phoenix-Lakers game was an amazing ass whoppin’ from the Suns. Like I inappropriately said out loud at the bar last night: watching the Suns is like basketball orgasm.

(Note: I think it was inappropriate because it wasn’t even a sports bar, I just hijacked their tv)

Some Rapid, Quick, Fast (hmmm, what’s the word I’m looking for to describe something ‘in a hurry’?? arrrg, I’ll settle with) NOT SLOW Thoughs:

Captain Barbosa is freakin’ god. Just how dependable is he to torch the lights out? Every time he touches the ball I want him to shoot the damn ball because he’s like Q in the Bond movies — he’s got a fucking homing beacon for the leather roundie that can’t escape the bucket! HE CAN’T MISS

While La-la Land folks I have one thought: This is not even a team. When you play Shammond Williams…… well, you shouldn’t ever play Shammond Williams. Just end the suffering — Stern? Just call his one DOA please.

Bulls/Heat: Yo Shaq is so agile! He looks so sharp out there, like back in the Laker days. Too bad Heaters can’t score for their lives to open things up inside for the big fella. Man, how did the consensus pick Miami to beat the pesky Bulls?? Luol Deng = Grasshoper + Gazelle + Kryptonite he’s so good.

Raptors Nets: I’m calling this, Raps in 11 games.

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Uhh.. you know what.. scratch that.

– Oh my Vishnu. GS just won Game 1, of course, Warrior fans are… shall we say… ‘content?’

– Oh my Buddha. Nuggets won Game 1: A-game was brought-en

– Oh my Jesus’ second cousin, Wizards won Game 1! … okay, that was deceitful, sorry Bullez peeps

*dun dun dun dun* Blog Show! *dun dun dun dun* Blog Show!

What to make of Sunday’s games? Simple, one word: irrelevency (not quite sure if that’s a word)

I fully expect the Spurs to win the next two, with Duncan properly installing the latest World of Warcraft patches reviewing game tape and give himself a Joey Crawford (did that sound dirty?) to mentally re-focus.

Wizards… uhh… yeah… build for next year…

The Dubs? I’m not falling for this “magical season” thing! No I will not…… I won’t… I… FINE fine I’ll start rooting for you now! Just please get Baron Davis’ beard out of my nightmares!

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houstonrocketsgirl.jpgMy answer is: 1-c, 2-b, 3-d, 4-a

So the Rockets were able to dispatch the Utah Jazz last night where T-Mac finally has a chance to legitimately get out of the 1st Round in a convincing fashion. I don’t go deep into analysis of that game because—A) I totally didn’t watch it B) Don’t want to jinx the Human Twig aka McGrady.

Moving on to other Game 1s:

Raps lost in a close one (game I did watch, hurray for me). You know what? It was a good lost, as dumb as that sounds. They were looked shook because they got tight whenever Jersey scored and wanting to punch back right away with a bucket to get momentum—but in doing so, they let defensive matchups slip. There were hardly any possessions when the Nets didn’t score. I think Smitch needs to look into that.

Detroit won while Brian Hill was making his summer plans on the sidelines……

Bulls/Heat weird game: even with a crap game from Wade and a fouled out Shaq, it actually was a lot closer than the actual score—which was close as it was!……

OH, and make sure to browse HoopsAddict’s collection of playoff queries collected in a Voltron-like fashion, tons of great answers from everyone (psst! I also chimed in!) So have a look over at HoopsAddict now!

Surely you didn’t think the picks from yesterday were the realness did ya? Here be she actual pickings, arrrrr! Straight from NBA.com!

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Jesus does NOT stand a chance, I mean, where’s the bench?

So let’s see your picks and how it comes up against mine, dear readers: go over to Ballhype and make your Playoff Picks — the more series you pick right, the more points (like duh!) — but the fun kicker is that you get to change your picks mid-stream if ever you see your team losing and want to keep on getting points.

Here’s how it looks like yo:
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If you look carefully………
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Oh my!

… and stop smoking that damn bong! While you slowly arise from the stupor, please, watch the following 9 minutes of bliss:

That’s to get all your casual NBA buddies to get the fuck up and watch some bball and get them away from that NHL nonsense (a puck? and a stick?! what is this, Soviet Russia??)

Finally, playoffs are (is?) here. Round 1 Predictions are as follows:

EAST

Detroit V. Orlando: Rock City in 4
WHAT WILL HAPPEN—Rasheed will probably devour Jameer Nelson, like, literally EAT him

Cleveland V. Washington: Cavs in 4
WHAT WILL HAPPEN—Dan Steinz will sub in for Jarvis Hayes and hit the game winning 3 … in our dreams…

Toronto V. New Jersey: Dinos in 6
WHAT WILL HAPPEN—TJ Ford, one moment dribbling the ball up court, the next, disappears into Mikki Moore’s hair

Miami V. Chicago: UPSET!! Heat in 6
WHAT WILL HAPPEN—Scott Skiles and Antoine Walker make out. Like, madly kissing and shit.

WEST:

Dallas V. Golden State: Mavs in 4
WHAT WILL HAPPEN—A collective “huh?” is heard when Austin Croshere checks in.

Phoenix V. Los Angeles: Suns in 5
WHAT WILL HAPPEN—Phil Jackson, in a timeout, reaches Zen Level 9000 and immediately singlehandely win a game. Making Kobe go “pshhh, did that Tuesday son”

San Antonio V. Denver: Spurs inOH SHIT JOEY CRAWFORD! It’s Joey muthafuckin Crawford!! And he has a steel chair ladies and gentlemen! Oh my god, all hell has broke loose!! Tim Duncan DID.NOT.SEE.THAT.COMING. WRESTLEMANIA 50!!!!

Utah V. Houston: Rockets finally win, in 6
WHAT WILL HAPPEN—Carlos Boozer’s head versus Shane Battier’s head… we all lose.

… in an old hoops shoes commercial. Peep for yourselves:

You know what? It’s not over-the-top enough. Where are the lions ripping into human flesh? The floods? C’mon! If you got the green lightning down, I expect to see Clyde breathing flame on the puny fools. D-i-s-a-p-p-o-i-n-t-e-d.