Consider this The Unrelatedess’ Finals preview. The Cavs version shall dropeth tomorrah because well, the NBA hates us and want us to wait as long as possible so I’m just spreading the knowledge evenly, like peanut better.

Case File: #534-C5 Subsection 110

TEAM: San Antonio Spurs
NICKNAME: Dirrrrrty
BACKGROUND: Won the NBA Finals’ trophy in odd numbered years (1999, 2003, 2005)
SUSPECT CURRENT TARGET: NBA Champions again
INTERNATIONAL WANTED HATED LIST: Interpol and MI-6 wants them taken down; FBI is monitoring Bowen’s activities; Chinese Intelligence want to kidnap Duncan

Main Suspects:

TIM DUNCAN

— unknown origins

— could very well be an actual robot, from the future

— doesn’t need hands to solve the Rubik’s Cube

— once inflitrated CIA headquarters, but no one picked up on it. He’s a ninja

— weapon of choice: the WIDE-EYED stare of death, killed 306 men, and counting


TONY PARKER

— He’s French, oooh la la

— probably the most unassuming athlete-rapper there is

— could be cuz he’s French

— could be because his rap… kinda blows

— weapon of choice: showing off Eva Longoria to distract us


GREGG POPOVICH

— mastermind of everything, going as far as implanting a small mind chip in Francisco Elson’s head

— the pic right here shows Pop sending the message to Elson through his nano remote on his finger

— his post game comments are hidden codes for ex-KGB soldiers to learn how to run a proper low-post pick

— can disarm a bomb with a hamster; weapon of choice: his bare hand

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  1. Limpshiznit

    Billy Donovan wants to meet Ginobli…. no he doesn’t , yes he does, no he doesn’t, ok you can meet him but not until 5 years have passed. I really had nothign else to add other than even frickin MacGyver couldn’t disarm a bomb with a hamster!!




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