Archive for July, 2007

[Phone rings]

Danny Ainge: yeeeeello? Double Dose of Danny Ainge at your service!
Kevin McHale: It’s… it’s me… K-Dawg
Danny Ainge: K-man! How’s it hanging? Doing good? Did you see the Simpsons movie??
McHale: Yeah! It was pretty awesome! Didn’t you love the part where— hold up… there was something I called you for…
Ainge: You need to borrow money?
McHale: No.. that wasn’t it…
Ainge: …need to borrow cocaine?
McHale: hmm, might’ve been it, but I don’t think so..
Ainge: oh, maybe you wanted to borrow my hooker?
McHale: hahaha no you silly, she’s already at my place, don’t you remember?
Ainge: hah, oh my, yes.
McHale: Well, whatever it is, I’m sure it’s not important. Glad we talked bra
Ainge: Anytime chum!

[meanwhile…]

The biggest question first: But What About Mark Madsen? Who is he going to turn to when he’s out there screaming by his lonesome?? Oh sigh.

And yeah, pretty big news… only like… 4 years in the making. Kevin Garnett is going to be a Celtic.

The trade is for Al Jefferson, Ryan Gomes, Gerald Green, Sebastian Telfair, Theo Ratliff, a giant sandwich, three juice boxes, nine boxes of Juicy Fruit a No. 1 pick.

On the one hand, KG not in the dreary old Minnesota uniform is a welcoming sight. It’s also good to see him able to take a leap of faith in a new direction. However, on the other hand… meh… it’s the Celtics. They just traded away their entire bench (and possibly 3/4 Red Auerbach’s cigar collection) for millions and millions of dolla $igns.

Oh I’ll be watching, hopefully — Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Garnett is bananas, but let’s be real for 2 seconds: they are not going to win a championship. Sorry Bostonians, not like this.

Charles Oakley is supposed to put out a book with the usual “TELL ALL” keyword that gives book agents boners. So, with that said, from whom else would a tell-all book be appropriate? Word on the Streetz surveys:


Kelly Burns
Philosopher
“I’d like to read a book
by Kobayashi. You just
know there’s bound
to be at least one story
of him going down on
dudes.”

Lord Richard Featherbottom
Writer
“Heave ho! What’s this scocery?
How did I get trapped in this white
box?!? Release me I say!”


Charles Barkley
Former NBA player/fat guy
“There’s only one book y’all need
to read, and it’s mine! If you don’t
read it, I’ll eat you all!”










Well huff, last couple of weeks were a dud in the wide word of sports. What? You haven’t heard? It’s like this: MLB and Mr. Barry Bonds breaking the all time record with allegations of doping… Tour de France and cyclists with allegations of doping… WWE and its wrestlers with allegations of doping… NBA ref Tim Donaghy with allegations of doping… wait… that last one might not be true. Anyways, here’s to things adjusting back to the betterment of mankind (you can’t see, but I’m holding up my arms waiting for a high five… don’t leave me hanging dudes!)

— Shirtless white guys. Check. Typical rap music. Check. Looking like a bunch of idiots. Check and check.

Slap my bitch up

Wizznutzz haves you new FUnny shritzzz!!!!!!

— Over at the ALL NEW! Mr. Irrelevant (with 120000% more man!) lastest ep of Blog Show

— It might not be a stretch that the drunk astronaut was a Simpsons fan. Who the eff isn’t eh?

The Gibberish:

Alright alright, it’s been about a good week’s worth of just about everyone and their dead cats (Murray and Felonious) determining the end of professional basketball’s sanctity. Fuck all of that. You know why for us hoops fans, we squirm whenever the phrase “this is the biggest black eye to face the NBA in its history…” is used in a column or uttered on TV? It’s because that doesn’t fit at all. The gravity is way too high for this event — the real buzzkill is the over-usage of the that term when, if you just take a second and look … the sport has not been uprooted at all, but just a simple love tap.

There is cheating, and it’s serious, but not a fraction of it really undermines why we love watching 99% of the games. So chin up everyone out there that’s feeling uneasy — the only reason you feel that way is because you know you’ll still love the NBA wholeheartedly… And for some weird reason, because of this Donaghy fuckbag you now have a feel like there’s an obligation to feel guilty? Nah, forget it. Just let it go, this event hasn’t changed anything.

The Gibberish pt. ii (but with funny):

Phew, got that outta my chest now that the “serious” voice is locked up without food or water, here is the official Unrelatedness’ Guide to Referee Sainthood™ where it is system for the NBA to truly, for complete certainness, know that the refs are as clean as bizarro Lindsay Lohan:

1) When asked if they gamble on anything and they answer:

    a) I don’t gamble
    b) I gamble, but just a little
    c) fuck you narc! where’s my lawyer bitch?
    d) I will sell my mother to repay debts

a), b), d) will tell you that they are liars. A reply of c) is just rude

2) When asked if they know anyone in the mob and they answer:

    a) haha? the mob? yeah right that exists, ha!
    b) the only mobster I know is Fat Tony on the Simpsons
    c) where ma lawyer at fools?
    d) David Stern is the biggest gangsta of them all ha ha ha

all of the above will tell you this person is insane

3) When asked if they cut their own hair

    a) what does that have to do with anything
    b) yeah actually, I do, thanks for noticiing!
    c) bitch, ma lawyer goin’ dun the haircuttin’
    d) The Gambino family has a hairdresser— uh-oh

And so, that’s how we deduce things.

Zach Galifianakis is just totally awesome. (psst: it’s an inspired send off for Kanye West’s Can’t Tell Me Nothin. This is just as, if not better than, Alanis Morrisett’s version of My Humps—incredible)

In otter news:

Finally a Christmas where we won’t have 10 000 cameras on Shaq and Kobe just as they shake hands. On one hand, yay! On the other, while it’s LeBron vs. Wade… it’s still the painfully unwatchable Cavs. I’d call this a wash.

That probably answers the question: SNL’s skits always have, and will continue to, drag on even though the initial punchline has been given 3 minutes ago. Well, seeing Tim Meadows and Co. do a bad NWA impression was worth it I guess…

So while this Tim Douchebagnaghy news is all over the place like Britney Spears’ cellulite, some of us REAL basketball fans still love the game. Word on the Streetz asks if anyone else remember that Team USA thing:


Richard Yang
Boat Captain
“Team USA? That’s the myth
we were told when we were kids
right? Haha yeah, sure, I’ll bet
that they win just as soon as
pigs can fly an F17.


Successfully.”


Emily Veere
Part-Time Superhero
“Oh sure, I love seeing how
some guy from Greece can hit
13 threes EVEN THOUGH
IT’S THREE FEET SHORTER!!
God that’s fucking annoying.”


Lil’ Kim
Book publisher
“I think they’re being smart
this year: having more than
one token white guy out there
I mean– the other teams
just might confuse them with
their own players!”











A two hit combo for this slowth day going…

Blog Show keeps on truckin’

Team USA scrimmagin where Kobe gets NASTILY blocked by LeBron and wins the game…

— annnnd… everything in the blog world about that Donaghy fellow

Actually, before we go, said fellow had to get help from cops because of calls threatening him. Unconfirmed sources say that one of the calls asked for an I. P. Freeley.

Oh and shit, check out the house of the motherfucker

That’s the O.C. house right there! Take a closer look at the sign:

Shocking!