Archive for the ‘Orlando Magic’ Category

You need to know who’s going where for how much $$? Well, go look up it guy, I’m not your mom. Oh wait, um, sorry! Please come back! I’m cranky because I didn’t have my morning cookie. Alright, alllright… I’m better now. So, here is the exhaustive comprehensive list of all thing Free Agency signage:

Chauncey Billups: $60 Mil, 5 years
First thing to purchase: 500 iPhones, one for each of his contacts

Rashard Lewis: $4274580223147 Mil, ∞ years
First thing to purchase: Canada

Gerald Wallace: $57 Mil, 6 years
First thing to purchase: Bethlehem Shoals‘ apartment

Jason Kapono: $24 Mil, 4 years
First thing to purchase: more hair gel

Cookie Monster: 10 000 Cookies Carrots, 10 years
First thing to purchase: the hell? you can’t buy shit with carrots, what a dumbass… carrots…

Michael Moore: $40 Mil, 2 years
First thing to purchase: a life size doll of Dr. Sanjay Gupta and burn it

Vince Carter: $61 Mil, 4 years
First thing to purchase: a new cooter

Run! Billy, Run!

The Unrelatedness has an exclusively fake interview with Billy Donovan, the ex-Gator coach turned ex-Magic coach within 48 hours. Here be the interview booty, ARRRr:

THE HYPE: So, B-Don, what happened. What made you change your mind?

BILLY DONOVAN: Momma always said, life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.

TH: Um… okay. But the Orlando Magic did know what they were going to get. YOU. They were going to get you as a coach! What are you talking about?

BD: Stupid is as stupid does.

TH: Woah, I didn’t call you stupid sir, I respect your work tremendously. Just that this whole Magic thing was weird y’know? Any thing else you can shed light on?

BD: That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run…

TH: To clear your head I’d imagine?

BD: …So I ran to the end of the road. And when I got there, I thought maybe I’d run to the end of town…

TH: Figuratively speaking I’d assuming? And “end of town” is the metaphor of leaving the Magic organization and back to the Florida Gators?

BD: …And when I got there, I thought maybe I’d just run across Greenbow County. And I figured, since I run this far, maybe I’d just run across the great state of Alabama. And that’s what I did. I ran clear across Alabama. For no particular reason I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean…

TH: uh, um…

BD: …And when I got there, I figured, since I’d gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. When I got to another ocean, I figured, since I’d gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going. When I got tired, I slept. When I got hungry, I ate. When I had to go… you know… I went.

TH: … ooookay… I think that about wraps up this interview. Thanks Bil—

BD: Have you ever been on a shrimp boat?

TH: OH COME ON! That’s not even your line!

davidstern.jpgOh, no no no no. No. That is just a joke. The NBA didn’t really surrender, “ha ha”, of course they were “willing” “participants” in letting the Cavaliers “play” the Magic in exhibition games over at La Chine. “Of course.”

(shh! Comrades, we must not let the impending People’s Liberation Army get to us, the password to the safehouse is: varnish)

What does this all mean? Nothing really, for Sternbot, it’s your annual hypnotizing of the Chinese world to love the NBA; for LeBron and Dwight Howard? They’ll finally have a chance to return their rented copies of Hello Kitty 5: Destruction at Cloud City. All in all, when this thing hits, I’m approximizing that half of kids in attendence will be wearing bananas … so thuged out yo.

So I’m super doper sick with school-like symptoms with a hot fever of 2 essays that need to be done by Monday. The cure is to write 200 words in 3 hours, then goof off for next 9 hours. This recipe is flawless, and delicious.

To commemorate all that NBA/China/Hip Hop-ness (as well as semi-addressing some rather silly and that “stereotyping” non-sense, which, from what I gather around the nets, isn’t too damaging), here is good ol’ Dave Chappelle:

(Don’t worry Comrades, I’ll be posting as I’m likely to procastinate, a lot… in fact I’m doing it right now…)

Insider Marc Stein reported that Young Thunder Dwight Howard was planning on doing something, that’s well, insane-tastic:

Orlando sources report that Howard has been practicing a couple wicked maneuvers that might inject this dying competition with the ingenuity/originality it desperately needs. One is a 360 throwdown with the rim hiked to 12 feet, two feet higher than regulation. The other sets the rim at 11 1/2 feet and has Howard purportedly going between his legs with the ball in mid-air before flushing.

(I don’t have Insider myself, cuz besides spending my precious little cash on 80s jukeboxes, I’m a proud “Outsider”.)

Anyway, blah blah league is stupid, David Stern unbelievably pimp-smacks his fans again blah blah. What the article didn’t tell you though, was that Howard has a couple of fail safe backup dunks, checkz ’em out:

Caption: (Above) Giraffe says “on no!” Dwight says “oh yes! suck on that bitch!”

(Left) ooooh SNAP, it’s the C-141B Starlifter dunk son!


Celeb All Star game: Lame, but I’m picking da East. They have Donald Faison! Chocolate Bear!

Rookie Challenge: Lamer, but I’m calling ROOKS! And I’m calling an Il Mago (Andrea Bargnani) monster flush on Bogut!


We’re coming to the last leg of the Previews and we take a look at the Miami Heat from Crazy From The Heat and the Orlando Magic from Believing In Magic. For what it’s worth (probably a sandwich), I think the Magic are going to explode this year. If they can somehow hypnotize Carlos Arroyo into thinking this is the Puerto Rican national team, they’ll surely have a nasty backcourt.

In real life news: Going to get back to the Rec League Reffin thing tonight, so be sure to look out for the highly anticipated and highly acclaimed and highly high something report sometime tomorrow.