Archive for the ‘Lebron James’ Category
Sure it’s inevitable that the Global Icon wants to do a rap record where I’m sure he’ll produce great hits in the with titles such as
..uh, uh, call me the Ballin’ Mista,
y’all don’t want me messing wit cha
unless you wanna be upgraded like Windows Vista..
“My World, And My Nikes At My Side ft. Chris Brown”
..yo, I’m a foot soldier
y’all hear me? Check it—
I need my polyurethane bitches!
or the unforgettable
“$100 Million Hustler”
..What you know about that? No seriously, I bet you have no idea what it is to be rich. Suckers!
Now, word up the NBAOU streetz (btw thx Scrap, hadn’t thought of using that!) is that BronBron will be looking to splash the waters on Broadway! YES trust me, I make this up to be true!
It’s going to be a play called “How My Team Aren’t Going to Win Me A Championship Anytime Soon” with showstopping numbers such as “Donyell Marshall Should Be Thrown Down a Well” or “Everyone should kiss Boobies!” and how can you not cheer for the tearjerker “My wifey is preggers but eh, I make more money playing on national tv so that’s that”
And of course, Nathan Lane plays LeBron’s long lost half-brother for waaaacky hijinks!
Unless Moses, Zeus, Vishnu AND Abraham Lincoln all work their mystical wonder witchcraft and save the Cavaliers, there’s no way we’re having a 5th game in these NBA Finals. Such is a sad sad life. However, fear not, there just might be an inkling of chance (re: nah, just playin’) so here are the 5 Signs You Should Watch Out For Tonight, Where We Might Think There Will Be A Game 5 But Not Really, Because That Would Be Cool, And The NBA Finals Aren’t Cool, Oh Am I Still Talking, Fuck, My Bad, Here You Go:
#5: LeBron Dropping 40+ pts
Surely, I believe the correlation so far has been thus: LeBron can’t score in the field to get into a rhythm. So X plus 0.3 grams of suck = the Cavs lose. If we see a barrage of LePoints, we need to smile just a bit and think the game might be won for the City of Cleveland… only to lose yet again in Cleveland for Game 5
#4: Tim Duncan Turns Into A Werewolf And Runs Away
Timmy D has been everything he’s always been: A freakin’ Hall of Famer every minute he’s played in his life and we can’t do anything about it. What we can hope to happen is that he just leaves Game 4 out of nowhere. I don’t even care if tonight isn’t a full moon, someone do some mad science shit: turn him into a werewolf damnit—now, if someone WolfDuncan can still ball, well, we’re fucked.
#3: Drew Gooden’s Hair Patch Emerges As The Cavs Much Needed Next Go-To Man (Thing)
Obviously what’s hurting more than the Spurs choking defense is the fact that the Cavaliers are scared to make a basket. No joke, everytime they think they should score, they have instant night tremors, and they’re not even sleeping! So expect DrewPatch to step up and dunk on Fabricio tonight.
#2: Someone in the crowd takes out Eva Longoria
I’m not a violent person, per se. I’m not sexist… but sorry, having Eva/ABC infiltrate my living room everytime the Spurs are up, I turn into Jack Bauer and John McClane’s lovechild—somebody gonna get a hurt. I propose someone from the UFC, I dunno, I hear that’s thing’s the cocaine of 2007, everyone’s into it. People will be shocked that a guy knocked out Eva Longoria, but if it’s Chuck Liddell, awwww
and the #1 sign there will be a Game 5: Cavs to Win Game 4
Yeah, call me crazy, but I think if they win Game 4, they just might be able to go to Game 5. I’m crazy like that, calling out wild theories and such, people should lock me up for this type of heresy. But mark my words, if they don’t win tonight, I’ll kick every lil’ puppy I see!
…again… I dunno why I’m so violent today, I think it’s the ‘roids I had for breakfast.
Of all the series, why did this one have to be so predicable? Give us some hope, give us more than four games, c’mon, pretty please? Well, guess begging probably won’t work a darn for this Finals. It’s gonna be over on Thursday, LeSigh.
While last night’s Game 3 was much closer and saw the Cavs in an easier state of mind, defensively, with the help of the crowd, their offense just couldn’t handle the Spurs. Nothing easy… nor should it be really. That’s just the reality and level that is the Finals, this isn’t child’s play, you gotta be one hundred percent 100% of the time. Lebron and Co’ never had a real chance in this one—only imagined ones.
So perhaps, in lieu of Game 4, they should just all go out and chill somewhere… relaxing…
Okay, so I got jealous of George’s sick skillz… and I decided “hey! you’re not better than me!!!” and did the following. You be the judge and see which one of us should have gotten the QUICKEN LOANS sponsor
here is LeBron in the opening minutes of Game 2—very determined and focused! Grr!
then, he picked up his 2nd foul early in the quarter, and now just waiting and watching—still, look deep into his eyes: Determined! GRRs!
here we see LeBron yawning just a little bit… maybe he lost his GRR-ness? no need for concern, he’s gonna be back into the game any second
uhh… Bron? dude… game’s over, Mike Brown never subbed you back in even if ya only had 2 fouls… you might want to home and sleep it off…
Yesterday was the Spurs, behold today part 2 of our 2 part series in PROFILES OF AN NBA FINALIST.
Okay, so I really got nothing for today’s case study of the Cavaliers. They are an interesting team to say the least — only because of how they got to where they got (huh?). That’s why the only thing I came up with is LeBron here in the movie Knocked Up (which I’ve yet to see, SHUSH IT! NO SPOILERS ALLOWED!)
Wait, I can make a metaphor happen, yes I can:
See, LeBron’s situation is like knocking up a random chick (the random chick being the Cavs, getting them into the pregnacy that is the Finals). It’s a 7 Game mud wrestle, not unlike the 9 months of rearing a child. You’re happy to be there, for what greater joy is there? But you have to look at all the factors: how good of a parent you’ll be; can you raise the child; cost factors etc.
For the Cavs, those are: figuring out how to match up the Spurs; dealing with the applied media attention that’s now 10 fold. And throughout it all, Bron’s gotta be supportive even in harsh and painful times (like perhaps going down 0-2)
However he endures this, he must see it through, there’s no bailing now.
(NOTE: yeah, this would definitely not have worked if James’ gf isn’t really preggers… and the irony isn’t lost on me that he said he’d miss the birth of his 2nd child…)
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