Archive for the ‘NBA Photoshopery’ Category
Time for wacky features during the non-NBA time of the year. Today I’d like to debut here on the Unrelatedness— Off Season Miscellaneousness. The OSM (pronounced Ozzz-MEN) looks at random non-linear, non-sequitor, non-relevant basketball stories around the world where I try to make funny. Here I goes: Quotes!
Greg Oden getting his WNBA-love on
I never had a thought about the WNBA before, except when Lisa Leslie dunked the ball, which is one of my favorite dunks of all time, but if they play like that i would love to go to the games all the time.
!!! Emphasis totally mine!!! Gregory! I know you’re young and all (psst! I’m young too!) and I know that Double-L’s dunk was historic… STILL! There are so many dunks over the course of human history, and you had to choose that one. But props to you for saying it like you feel tho
Kobe Bryant likes using the naughty wordz
“Ship his [rear end] out. We’re talking Jason Kidd,” said Bryant. “They didn’t want to do that. That’s why we’re in this [messed up] position.”
Tranlatorz: [rear end] = is what Andrew Bynum plays like; [messed up] = is what Lakers are, where Kobe had a hand in it, whether he likes it or not
Agent Zero is writing a book
I’m writing a book.
It ain’t going to be the T.O. “I Need My Ball” or whatever that book was called. It ain’t going to be the Phil Jackson book. Mine is going to be more like Chicken Soup for the Soul. Mine is going to be like that with more funny stuff. It’s going to be hilarious.
Stuff like, “If you’re a No. 1 or No. 2 pick, why do you need an agent?” Reality stuff like that. You might as well just give your money to Vegas because that’s all you’re doing with the agent, you’re just giving it to him. Because you’re the No. 1 or No. 2 pick, point blank, you don’t need an agent. It’s a slotted system now. It’s not like you’re Glenn Robinson coming out saying “Give me $100 million.” You can’t do that anymore.
So it’s going to be mostly funny stuff like that. Attacking people, attacking the system, attacking critics … stuff like that.
It’s going to be the funniest basketball player book, I can bet on that.
Because of course, celebrities don’t get enough attention and publicity as it—by god Forbes is serving man kind in ranking them all! From the flash-advertisement hell that is Forbes.com, how they got to The Celebrity 100:
Tinseltown’s triumphs are reflected in this year’s Celebrity 100, Forbes’ annual list of the world’s most powerful–and best-paid–celebrities. To generate the list, Forbes analyzes celebrity earnings, plus media metrics like Google hits, press mentions as compiled by Lexis/Nexis, TV/radio mentions from Factiva and the number of times an A-lister appears on the cover of 32 major consumer magazines.
Earnings estimates are for June 2006 to June 2007 and consist of dollars earned solely from entertainment-related income. Management, agent and attorney fees have not been deducted.
Okay, so to bring it back to the NBA relatedness, the notable players we already know about are in there: Kobe Bryant (ranked #23), Shaq (#25), Michael Jordan (#35–who is he?!), and LeBron (#48). SHOCKER! You can see all the other sports’ male athletes here and female athletes here, try to contain the excitement.
Let’s just take a looksee at who else is on the list… I’ve make a nice screengrab here so you don’t have to go to their site because everytime their ads reloads a puppy gets shot
Disregarding the fact that Grey’s Anatomy fell off big time this year, what gives Forbes? Grouping the entire cast as one? Favoratism yo!
Again with this “entire cast” thing. Heh, gotta sting for Bron to see he can’t beat the Parker/Longoria machine anywhere.
Random Linkage for the Weekend:
Blog Show No. 13 [Mr. Irrelevant]
BestSportsStuff
Son of Sam Malone
Unless Moses, Zeus, Vishnu AND Abraham Lincoln all work their mystical wonder witchcraft and save the Cavaliers, there’s no way we’re having a 5th game in these NBA Finals. Such is a sad sad life. However, fear not, there just might be an inkling of chance (re: nah, just playin’) so here are the 5 Signs You Should Watch Out For Tonight, Where We Might Think There Will Be A Game 5 But Not Really, Because That Would Be Cool, And The NBA Finals Aren’t Cool, Oh Am I Still Talking, Fuck, My Bad, Here You Go:
#5: LeBron Dropping 40+ pts
Surely, I believe the correlation so far has been thus: LeBron can’t score in the field to get into a rhythm. So X plus 0.3 grams of suck = the Cavs lose. If we see a barrage of LePoints, we need to smile just a bit and think the game might be won for the City of Cleveland… only to lose yet again in Cleveland for Game 5
#4: Tim Duncan Turns Into A Werewolf And Runs Away
Timmy D has been everything he’s always been: A freakin’ Hall of Famer every minute he’s played in his life and we can’t do anything about it. What we can hope to happen is that he just leaves Game 4 out of nowhere. I don’t even care if tonight isn’t a full moon, someone do some mad science shit: turn him into a werewolf damnit—now, if someone WolfDuncan can still ball, well, we’re fucked.
#3: Drew Gooden’s Hair Patch Emerges As The Cavs Much Needed Next Go-To Man (Thing)
Obviously what’s hurting more than the Spurs choking defense is the fact that the Cavaliers are scared to make a basket. No joke, everytime they think they should score, they have instant night tremors, and they’re not even sleeping! So expect DrewPatch to step up and dunk on Fabricio tonight.
#2: Someone in the crowd takes out Eva Longoria
I’m not a violent person, per se. I’m not sexist… but sorry, having Eva/ABC infiltrate my living room everytime the Spurs are up, I turn into Jack Bauer and John McClane’s lovechild—somebody gonna get a hurt. I propose someone from the UFC, I dunno, I hear that’s thing’s the cocaine of 2007, everyone’s into it. People will be shocked that a guy knocked out Eva Longoria, but if it’s Chuck Liddell, awwww
and the #1 sign there will be a Game 5: Cavs to Win Game 4
Yeah, call me crazy, but I think if they win Game 4, they just might be able to go to Game 5. I’m crazy like that, calling out wild theories and such, people should lock me up for this type of heresy. But mark my words, if they don’t win tonight, I’ll kick every lil’ puppy I see!
…again… I dunno why I’m so violent today, I think it’s the ‘roids I had for breakfast.
Of all the series, why did this one have to be so predicable? Give us some hope, give us more than four games, c’mon, pretty please? Well, guess begging probably won’t work a darn for this Finals. It’s gonna be over on Thursday, LeSigh.
While last night’s Game 3 was much closer and saw the Cavs in an easier state of mind, defensively, with the help of the crowd, their offense just couldn’t handle the Spurs. Nothing easy… nor should it be really. That’s just the reality and level that is the Finals, this isn’t child’s play, you gotta be one hundred percent 100% of the time. Lebron and Co’ never had a real chance in this one—only imagined ones.
So perhaps, in lieu of Game 4, they should just all go out and chill somewhere… relaxing…
Okay, so I got jealous of George’s sick skillz… and I decided “hey! you’re not better than me!!!” and did the following. You be the judge and see which one of us should have gotten the QUICKEN LOANS sponsor
here is LeBron in the opening minutes of Game 2—very determined and focused! Grr!
then, he picked up his 2nd foul early in the quarter, and now just waiting and watching—still, look deep into his eyes: Determined! GRRs!
here we see LeBron yawning just a little bit… maybe he lost his GRR-ness? no need for concern, he’s gonna be back into the game any second
uhh… Bron? dude… game’s over, Mike Brown never subbed you back in even if ya only had 2 fouls… you might want to home and sleep it off…
Just got this in my electronic mail (as opposed to pigeon mail—g’damn lazy bums!)
Hi,
I thought you might be interested in a recently created LeBron James etch-a-sketch video.
George Vlosich, self-proclaimed “world’s greatest etch-a-sketch artist,” took five hours to etch LeBron James and the entire process is sped up into three pretty interesting minutes.
You can see every line George makes and step he takes to create a unique piece of pop art. I think it’s cool. By the way, if you are wondering why I’m sending you this, Quicken Loans is a sister company of the Cleveland Cavaliers and we work closely with them. We’d love it if you could share this with your blog readers.
Holy banana peels!
Ah, and no sweat Mr. Marketing person, I love to help out QUICKEN LOANS, even though I’m not getting anything out of QUICKEN LOANS. It’s fantasic that QUICKEN LOANS is doing this viral spreading-word-of-mouth-thingy (I’m sure there’s a better term for it) for the talented George Vlosich—maybe his next sketch can be drawing up better coaching strategies for Mike Brown? In any case, thanks QUICKEN LOANS for bringing this to my attention!
QUICKEN LOANS.
UPDATE: My Etch-SKILLZZZZ
Is there any way to stop this menace? I don’t believe there is a way. Not unless we find a way to get him on tilt… like tell him Eva Longoria is only marrying him to get closer to Nicolas Sarkozy. BURN!
But back back to reality.
Toné was too fast and too nimble being able to reach anywhere he wants anytime he wants. He’s a point guard that can beat anyone that guards him off the dribble. There’s no stopping the Frenchy dude.
So it’s not indicative of the horrible defense that is the Cavaliers, no ma’am, but just how lethal the Spurs are. How do you contain all their X and Y and Z variables? Tim Duncan is the constant, you can’t stop him either way; Tony Parker gets him like that; Manu Ginobili can easily erupt for 30 (and 10 of those made by his bald spot); then you get Fabricio and Elson forming into one solid player like Voltron; you got Brent Barry; Bruce Bowen and Mike Finley spreading it wiiiiiiide open with their range; and let’s not forget the MAN that is Beno Ulrich. BEN-O!
As for the Cavs—good little run they made late in the game. Some costly turnovers stopped their momentum short as well as that monster that is Parker and they just ran outta time. Speaking of time. What’s the decision of LeBron? Should Mike Brown have keep him in the game when he got fouled up early? Since they always have a chance with LeBron in the game why not keep in him? The worst that could happen is you lose… which you have… while not playing him.
Game Two is Twosday and I have a feeling the Spurs will win that one. Just because Mike Browny is getting hustled all over the place right now and there’s no one to contain the Spurs at all their positions.
Damn, this sucks for me, now I got to go watch a movie or something.
As you might remember, some time ago, in the year 1678, there was a little incident involving Robert Horry and Steven Nash. But that wasn’t the problem you see, it was what happened afterwards: the suspensions of Amare Stoudamire and Boris Diaw leaving the Suns short handed for Game 5.
At the time, Robert Sarver, Suns owner and all around crazy person said that he would like to bring up this rule of “never leaving the bench area if an “incident” should occur on court” and perhaps change it. Well, the time has come for Supreme Deity David Stern to meet with owners and talk. Did they tweak the rule? Haha! Only in your silly fantasies!
“We recently brought the subject up for discussion at our competition committee meetings,” Stern said before Game 1 of the finals between the Spurs and Cleveland Cavaliers.
“There was no proposal to change it. Our teams are satisfied with the enforcement and generally felt that any other enforcement would have been quite questionable given the past enforcement.”
Obviously the owners feel making money is better so they didn’t blink twice about even suggesting a change. Ah well, that’s how the cookie crumbles for us fans I guess.
Timmy D. Oh you are so good. Damn you. It there any more doubt about this man’s defense?
So I watched this game last night at a dive bar with a projector screen. Sounds fun in theory. But not if your friends decide to SIT RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE SCREEN. Geniuses I tells ya.
Anyway, after we sorted out Crisis At The Screen 2007 we got drunk immediately settled and watch the happenings of two grindin’ teams.
Though it was a low-scoring affair, the game was pretty smooth — not unnecessary 15 stopages in a span of 5 minutes, it flowed yo.
Deeper Analysisism:
The Spurs are straight up swarming Lebron every single time so much that I think Gregg Popovich has his players’ wives hostage in a dark undisclosed basement. Bron isn’t forcing the issue, passing to any open teammates every time — sucks they can’t score more.
Let’s be honest tho, James can’t just ram his way to the foul line every time he gets it… he might get 40pts, but his team will be cold and they’ll lose. What he’s doing here is trying to beat the Spurs by playing an overall game that can kill them with smarts.
Matchups wise: Tony Parker is torching everyone in his sights, no one can keep up with that guy. Tim is Tim, but I like what the Cavs are doing, showing double, triple teams whenever he tries to make his move (sometimes they miss the assignment or too late, and BAM! he scored). I can’t believe Drew Gooden is the Cavs game 1 highlight…
For Game 2 LBJ just has to be faster with his decisions… Game 1 he seemed to be waiting and waiting, but the Spurs want him to wait because their defense traps him to all the right places. I thought the Cavs could’ve pulled the first game upset—they were close (at halftime). I have a good feeling for the 2nd game, they’ll be a bit more sharp with their decisions on offense and hopefully a breakout dunk from the King can move things along.
Yesterday was the Spurs, behold today part 2 of our 2 part series in PROFILES OF AN NBA FINALIST.
Okay, so I really got nothing for today’s case study of the Cavaliers. They are an interesting team to say the least — only because of how they got to where they got (huh?). That’s why the only thing I came up with is LeBron here in the movie Knocked Up (which I’ve yet to see, SHUSH IT! NO SPOILERS ALLOWED!)
Hmm…
Wait, I can make a metaphor happen, yes I can:
See, LeBron’s situation is like knocking up a random chick (the random chick being the Cavs, getting them into the pregnacy that is the Finals). It’s a 7 Game mud wrestle, not unlike the 9 months of rearing a child. You’re happy to be there, for what greater joy is there? But you have to look at all the factors: how good of a parent you’ll be; can you raise the child; cost factors etc.
For the Cavs, those are: figuring out how to match up the Spurs; dealing with the applied media attention that’s now 10 fold. And throughout it all, Bron’s gotta be supportive even in harsh and painful times (like perhaps going down 0-2)
However he endures this, he must see it through, there’s no bailing now.
(NOTE: yeah, this would definitely not have worked if James’ gf isn’t really preggers… and the irony isn’t lost on me that he said he’d miss the birth of his 2nd child…)
ON COMPLETELY UNRELATED EVENTS:
Blog Show Remix! The YouTube clip is here
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